"Happiness is a Choice." quote taken from an interview of Drew Barrymore by Kevin Sessums

Monday, August 2, 2010

Time to Put My “Big Girl” Panties On

Sometimes when you fall, you fall BIG TIME and have to literally climb yourself out. Other times you just need to get your ass up and dust yourself. After many weeks of feeling sorry for myself and focusing on what I can’t do rather than what I can do, it is time for me to do just that and put my “big girl” panties on. Yes, money is tight. Yes, it hurts to sleep in my bed. Yes, I’m not doing the therapy Elizabeth is asking me to do. Yes, I am resistant to listening about the dorsal column stimulator. But all in all, I can only control what I can control and let the rest of the nonsense and guilt go.

So I make a commitment to tell Elizabeth at our next appointment that money is tight and it will remain tight due to this economy. I can’t blame Michael for the cut in pay when his corporate office is making these decisions. I will open my mind to listen to the pros and cons of the dorsal column stimulator in lieu of physical therapy. I tell Michael that yes many of a morning my body hurts like bloody hell to sleep in our bed, but for the sake of our marriage and to regain the intimacy that we’ve lost, I will sleep in our bed again.

I also decide to meet Michael part way with my PTA responsibilities and instead of being a vice president on the PTA board, I will take on another lesser responsibility the following school year. I will let Michael and the boys know what household chores I can and can not do so that we can plan how to keep the house cleaner. I will ask friends for help when I need it and not feel guilty about it. I will own it when I hurt or I’m upset and when I feel relatively good, I will “celebrate it” by cooking a special meal.

What seems like a high-five for pulling my “big girl” panties on, my brother phones and says that he and his family want to come during spring break for a visit. My parents then make plans to arrive a day later than my brother and stay a few extra days after my brother leaves. For the first time since Christmas time, I am feeling a weight lift from my shoulders and feel okay about seeing Elizabeth again without the guilt. I’ve embraced a new way of thinking and look forward to learning more about the dorsal column stimulator. It is a new day and a new way of thinking and for the first time in a long time, I am happier.


  1. I think its so great your getting things together and felling a little better not physically ofcourse but your taking charge which I think is one of the hardest things to do if you have this disease! Keep up the positive attitude!

  2. Thank you for the wonderful support. It is incredibly hard to keep the positive attitude, but it sure does make a lot of difference.